43. Counting to Fifteen.

I feel tears forming in my eyes.
So, I’m counting to fifteen.

One. “You’re stupid.”
Two. “Loser.”

The truth runs wild,
like the rain to the sea.

Three. “You’re not famous enough.”
Four. “Idiot, that’s what you are.”

This voice inside,
has been eating at me.

Five. “Don’t eat, it’ll makes you fatter.”
Six. “He never loves you, okay?”

Trying to keep faith,
I’m lying through my teeth.

Seven. “The world’s so much darker.”
Eight. “You’re a disgusting girl.”

Trying to sedate my mind in its cage,
and numb what I see and hear.

Nine. “Daydreaming all day long, freak.”
Ten. “Does he even like you?”

This demon inside me,
doesn’t know the word ‘stop’.

Eleven. “Your parents are disappointed.”
Twelve. “Grab that razor.”

Awake, wide-eyed,
I’m screaming at me.

Thirteen. “Everyone hates you, freak.”
Fourteen. “You’re unwanted.”

I’m trying to keep faith,
picture his face staring up at me.

Fifteen. “You are not worth it.”

I open my eyes,
ready to face the reality again.

So, this post is about my depression. When I’m depressed and feeling anxious, usually I’m going to count to calm myself down, calm the voices inside my head.

Yeah. Let me know in the comments below, what do you do to calm yourself down when you’re feeling depressed.

Byee! 😉

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11 thoughts on “43. Counting to Fifteen.

  1. The hardest things to deal with are those thoughts. Fighting your own brain is a crazy concept that unless you’ve dealt with depression you probably don’t understand. I try to focus on one of those thoughts and challenge it. Why do I think this? How valid is it? How true could it really be? Do I have evidence to support this thought? If this is true can I change it? How? Does it really matter in the grand scheme of life? Often I am able to disprove these automatic thoughts and I find peace in this. However, sometimes I’m just a ball of depressed anxiety who can’t get out if bed. But I like to celebrate when I overcome those thoughts and do something nice for myself — Starbucks! Bubble bath! Whatever makes me happy in ththe moment.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I write things to escape from those voices inside my head, and it works! That’s why I love this blog and this community around me who’s ready to support me any time 💕

      Like

  2. Think of positive things– those that makes you happy.. fun memories, time spent with friends, the funny crazy things you did, the nice things people said to you, the good things you did for other people…you can continue counting 1-15 but not with crazy morbid thoughts.. replace them with things that you can be grateful with instead…and PRAY. It always works! 🙂
    I hope you’ll get through your depression…

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Flashlight

    I appreciate your poem and the voices/comments in your head. Not everyone is willing to hear what those voices say and that is the first step to healing.
    I write poetry to help myself deal with overwhelming emotions. I also lead others in shared writing experiences.
    Keep being brave. Keep being you.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Pingback: Insecurity & Depression | poly pride

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