As written in my about page, this blog is also like my diary, so I could write whatever I want here.
You know what? I’m feeling a bit down today, remembering that next week the school will start again. But, that’s not the only thing that makes me sad.
My mum. Yes.
Well, back at the graduation day, I received two trophies. One is for the best computer student (yeah, because I spend my time on the internet 24/7, so I deserved it), the other one is for the best National Exams scores, and I got ranked 9th from 130 students.
Here’s the thing, you’re probably wondering, ‘Pris, those are such great achievements, why are you sad?’. Psh, I am proud of me, too. I mean, my friends were all staring at my trophies after I got down from the stage. But the reason why I’m sad right now is, my mum is never proud of me.
So, there was this moment where the photographer asked the parents of the trophies receivers to came up to the stage and took a picture together. My dad looked at me proudly, and guess what? My mum just shook her head and didn’t smile at me at all!
After the event finished, my mum said to me (in a disappointed tone), ‘One of your friends received EIGHT trophies.’ And that moment, I was like banging my head silently over and over onto the car window.
There’s a few reason why I am angry, sad, mad, feeling unwanted because of my mum’s reaction that day. And probably I could spend hours listing those reasons.
I am feeling unwanted, I feel like I’ve disappointed my parents, I feel like my parents don’t love me anymore.
You know when parents do this thing where you’re like, ‘Hey, ma, dad, I receive this trophies or other achievement!’ and they’d be like, ‘Oh, you know that one of your friends receive more trophies than you‘.
I think parents (OK, especially mums) love to compare their kids with others, and for me it hurts the most. It’s like they regret their decision on having you as their child, and as the result they want you to act, to have personality like other kids that they see better than you.
Can’t she just accept me just the way I am? For being who I really am? I am not smart enough in your eyes, I know. I am me. I am just an ordinary Pris, and no one can change that.
The world expects so much from each of us, and I am tired of that. I am tired of the high expectations that they have set for us. The world be like, ‘You have to be like this, or you’ll fail in life’ or ‘You have to be like this, or else you wouldn’t succeed in this.’
If one day my mum ACCIDENTALLY come across this blog (when I’m 50 please), I just want to say: Ma, please, accept me. Please be proud of me. You never satisfied enough, I’ve done everything I could to make you proud of me and none of them made you feel like that.