81. Coming Out.

I stay here out of fear
Fear of judgement, fear of ridicule
But most of all, fear of abandonment
.

I’m afraid that if I come out of this lonely little closet
What waits beyond will be a much greater peril
Or perhaps it will be the release I’ve been looking for

So I’ll take a chance.

Hi, my name is Pris, and I’m bisexual. And here’s the story you might want to read about how I finally figured that out.

Being an innocent kid at school, I always realized that I’m kinda different with other kids, like I’m too hyperactive and stuff, or I’m too smart, or I acted like boys sometimes and I acted like girls sometimes.

Growing up, I soon realized that the difference between me and my friends were really significant, like I always got along with boys and girls, I have girl friends as much as I have boy friends.

Fast forward to when I was in the ninth grade, I had an internet friend, and she’s bisexual. After she said that, I kinda freaked out and there was this thought in my mind, ‘What if I’m bisexual?’ And, being bisexual is not a thing in Indonesia. People would freaked out and lost their shit if you say that you’re gay or something. And I never see gay couples on the street here. The thought of me being something I didn’t really know about scared me so much.

I started to have this kinda butterfly feeling thing in your stomach when you see someone you like, but this time I had this feeling when I see girls. It was weird at the first time, I always blushed and avoided eye-contact when a girl approached me. Same thing applies to boys, too.

Coming out for me is like a scary thing, because once you’re out, you can’t go back hiding in your closet. The world knows you, and you’re ready to be judged. But if you’re not out, it’s so lonely and I feel anxious to be in that ‘closet’ for a whole damn life. 

I think about my family that 100% won’t support me if I come out to them, and probably will kick me out from the house. Plus, Indonesia is one of those countries that doesn’t really have rules for the LGBTQ people but doesn’t prohibit it. So being a part of the community is really hard and kinda not safe because people can do anything to you; they can harm you, or bully you, bscause there’s no rules that apply for the LGBTQ.

I came out to my internet friends on July 6th, and the responses made me cry. They congratulated me, support me. The positivity overwhelmed me. And it was such a really hard thing to do, like you could never imagine what will people think about you after you came out, like maybe people will see you differently.

Internet people are nice.

Fast forward to today. I had a conversation with my friend, and somehow we got to the topic where we talked about LGBT and stuffs. 

“You know what, when I first knew you, I thought you’re— You know.”

“Me what?” 

“You’re that.” Her face was so red because of embarrassment. “That you’re not straight.”

I tried so hard to keep my smile on my face, laughed. “Oh my god, silly you. What made you think about that?”

“Well, since you always talk about LGBT all the time, about how you support gender equality and stuffs, I feel like you’re different from the others. I feel like you’re beginning to be one of them.”

Unfortunately she doesn’t know that I am, in fact, one of them. 

But that’s not my point. Here, if you declared that you ‘support LGBT’, people will automatically think that you’re gay, or you’re lesbian, or something. I mean, if someone support LGBTQ, doesn’t mean they’re part of them. No, it’s not always like that. People that support LGBTQ respect the LGBTQ people’s rights and equality. 

Race, gender, religion, we are all people and that’s it. We’re all people. We’re all equal. 

-Connor Franta

The world is such a cruel place, but I am proud to be a part of it, because this is the place where I can be myself out of the closet (not really out, but I’m out to you guys), and beaming about myself with pride.

Out, loud, and proud.
-pris.

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7 thoughts on “81. Coming Out.

  1. Hey-I’m proud of you 🙂
    Like I’ve said before though, don’t rush the way you feel, there’s plenty of time. Be happy with yourself and be confident. Plenty of time to come out to your family and friends, don’t worry yourself trying to anticipate what their reactions will be. Your family should love you for being you and support you in any way they can. You’ve taken the first step on WP 🙂 And at this point, I feel I must say, when you do meet the right person and “it” happens, please be sensible and use precautions where necessary…just had similar conversation with son too! Love you internet daughter : ) xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much 💙 The amount of support I get from internet people are insane, and I love them and you sooooo much! First I thought that maybe coming out on a blog would be terrible, but I think I’ll make it as a reminder for myself, that I, in fact, have came out proudly with pride. I hope I meet the right person (whether it’s boy or girl, who knows?), and yes, Mum, I will be careful 🙂 I love you so much! Thank you for always be there for me on the internet and support me! 💙💙

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Me: V

    Aaaah so proud of you!!! Lots of virtual hugs and best of luck for whenever you tell your family and friends! (there’s no rush btw, wait till you feel you’re ready)
    🏳️‍🌈👍🏼

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Pris! I am beyond proud of you! You are an amazing girl and you need to know that you inspire people, and me too! (i write something about you on my last post). First of all, itw not going to be easy. I have a couple of friends who are part of this big and lovely LGBTQ+ community, and I know it was not easy, the struggle and everything. Its still a long way to go, Pris. But know that every time you need someone to talked to, someone to share your pain and sadness, you have this big wordpress family and we all love you. You go girl!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much, del! It’s not easy, but I’m going through it. And thank you for mentioning me on your latest post, you’re so nice 🙂 Thank you isn’t enough to express this, but thank you. You and everyone else are always be there for me, and I appreciate it so much xx.

      Liked by 1 person

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