I stay here out of fear
Fear of judgement, fear of ridicule
But most of all, fear of abandonment.
I’m afraid that if I come out of this lonely little closet
What waits beyond will be a much greater peril
Or perhaps it will be the release I’ve been looking for
So I’ll take a chance.
Hi, my name is Pris, and I’m bisexual. And here’s the story you might want to read about how I finally figured that out.
Being an innocent kid at school, I always realized that I’m kinda different with other kids, like I’m too hyperactive and stuff, or I’m too smart, or I acted like boys sometimes and I acted like girls sometimes.
Growing up, I soon realized that the difference between me and my friends were really significant, like I always got along with boys and girls, I have girl friends as much as I have boy friends.
Fast forward to when I was in the ninth grade, I had an internet friend, and she’s bisexual. After she said that, I kinda freaked out and there was this thought in my mind, ‘What if I’m bisexual?’ And, being bisexual is not a thing in Indonesia. People would freaked out and lost their shit if you say that you’re gay or something. And I never see gay couples on the street here. The thought of me being something I didn’t really know about scared me so much.
I started to have this kinda butterfly feeling thing in your stomach when you see someone you like, but this time I had this feeling when I see girls. It was weird at the first time, I always blushed and avoided eye-contact when a girl approached me. Same thing applies to boys, too.
Coming out for me is like a scary thing, because once you’re out, you can’t go back hiding in your closet. The world knows you, and you’re ready to be judged. But if you’re not out, it’s so lonely and I feel anxious to be in that ‘closet’ for a whole damn life.
I think about my family that 100% won’t support me if I come out to them, and probably will kick me out from the house. Plus, Indonesia is one of those countries that doesn’t really have rules for the LGBTQ people but doesn’t prohibit it. So being a part of the community is really hard and kinda not safe because people can do anything to you; they can harm you, or bully you, bscause there’s no rules that apply for the LGBTQ.
I came out to my internet friends on July 6th, and the responses made me cry. They congratulated me, support me. The positivity overwhelmed me. And it was such a really hard thing to do, like you could never imagine what will people think about you after you came out, like maybe people will see you differently.
Internet people are nice.
Fast forward to today. I had a conversation with my friend, and somehow we got to the topic where we talked about LGBT and stuffs.
“You know what, when I first knew you, I thought you’re— You know.”
“You’re that.” Her face was so red because of embarrassment. “That you’re not straight.”
I tried so hard to keep my smile on my face, laughed. “Oh my god, silly you. What made you think about that?”
“Well, since you always talk about LGBT all the time, about how you support gender equality and stuffs, I feel like you’re different from the others. I feel like you’re beginning to be one of them.”
Unfortunately she doesn’t know that I am, in fact, one of them.
But that’s not my point. Here, if you declared that you ‘support LGBT’, people will automatically think that you’re gay, or you’re lesbian, or something. I mean, if someone support LGBTQ, doesn’t mean they’re part of them. No, it’s not always like that. People that support LGBTQ respect the LGBTQ people’s rights and equality.
Race, gender, religion, we are all people and that’s it. We’re all people. We’re all equal.
The world is such a cruel place, but I am proud to be a part of it, because this is the place where I can be myself out of the closet (not really out, but I’m out to you guys), and beaming about myself with pride.
Out, loud, and proud.