84. Coming Out: One Month Later

If you don’t know , on September 23rd, I made one of the most important decisions I think I’ve ever made in my life: I came out to all of you as bisexual from this platform. You can read it here. A month after (which is exactly today), I’m going to tell you what life is like for me a month after I come out.

Honestly, I feel much more happier than I used to before I came out. I was such an emo kid, or you could say a walking sadness/depression. I was so depressed before I came out, like what would my family think about me? Will I get kicked out? Am I ever gonna find myself a boyfriend or girlfriend? Will I make it to heaven, and does God hate me? I don’t know, there were a lot of questions in my mind that time.

After I came out, well, nothing really changes, I just feel more like myself. Like, the mask that I was wearing all this time suddenly disappeared. But, there’s still another mask that I wear everyday until now, because I am half-closeted.

I came out first to my internet friends on Twitter around July, then I came out to you guys. Later I came out to my other internet friends that I have met (who probably are reading this right now lol) (check my post about it here), and the last one I came out to is one of my close friends.

Since I am half-closeted, and none of my school friends know about this, I can’t talk about it openly. My best friend is a homophobic and she’s straight (0f course), and she once said to me that if I’m gay, she’d unfriend me because she’s afraid I would fall in love with her, which is not.

The problem is, being bisexual is pretty complicated, because I like both gender; boys and girls. FYI: there are only a few of cute boys at my school, buuuuut there are LOTS of cute girls, and there are 1200-ish students at my school, so you could imagine that my school is kinda like a heaven but also like a hell for me, because most of them are Muslims and I think most Muslims don’t really support and respect LGBTQ+ community (no offense), so I have to be careful or else I would get bullied.

You know, if a boy likes a girl, he would stare at her for a long time, right? That’s what I do when I find someone attractive when I’m at the canteen or the classroom; I would stare at them, realizing how beautiful or handsome they are. The problem is: do you realize how hard it is to stare at a girl without getting weird looks from your friends? 

Being a part of LGBTQ+ in Indonesia is hard, because LGBT is not really acceptable here but there’s no laws that control about it. I know that there are people who are already out of the closet, but we don’t get enough attention. We can’t held an LGBTQ+ event openly at public without the fear of getting judged (or burned, maybe), we can’t have a pride parade here because probably the government would say that it’s a waste of time and blahblah.

I am happy with myself right now as a bisexual, but I’m not satisfied with my situation right now that I have to get back to my closet for while then come out again after I ensure myself that the situation is pretty safe for me to become myself again. Life is complicated, but I’m willing to wait for it because love doesn’t discriminate.

That’s all I have for you guys today. I’m sorry for not posting for the past two weeks, I was so busy with school assignments and the preparation for my choir concert, maybe I need to take a break for a while. Anyway, shoutout to my internet friends for giving me this post idea, thanks m8s.

See you on the next post, bye! 😉

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7 thoughts on “84. Coming Out: One Month Later

  1. Good to hear from you and I’m so pleased you feel more settled in yourself. Meeting someone-the right someone-is going to take time and the right circumstances. If your friend no longer wishes to accecpt you as a friend…then was she ever really a
    friend to begin with?
    However, don’t worry too much, learn to be comfortable with who you are and take the rest one day at a time 🙂
    Love you lots, internet daughter : ) xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. One of my best friends is bi-sexual. He’s kept it quiet from his family for a very long time. I knew it when I first met him. He’s the happiest he’s ever been now. He’s in love with another man. It’s freeing and I pray you get to that point in your life as well. To love someone without any judgement.

    Liked by 1 person

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