67. Ma, Please.

On By priscillanthIn Mind Palace

​As written in my about page, this blog is also like my diary, so I could write whatever I want here.

You know what? I’m feeling a bit down today, remembering that next week the school will start again. But, that’s not the only thing that makes me sad.

My mum. Yes.

Well, back at the graduation day, I received two trophies. One is for the best computer student (yeah, because I spend my time on the internet 24/7, so I deserved it), the other one is for the best National Exams scores, and I got ranked 9th from 130 students. 

Here’s the thing, you’re probably wondering, ‘Pris, those are such great achievements, why are you sad?’. Psh, I am proud of me, too. I mean, my friends were all staring at my trophies after I got down from the stage. But the reason why I’m sad right now is, my mum is never proud of me.

So, there was this moment where the photographer asked the parents of the trophies receivers to came up to the stage and took a picture together. My dad looked at me proudly, and guess what? My mum just shook her head and didn’t smile at me at all!

After the event finished, my mum said to me (in a disappointed tone), ‘One of your friends received EIGHT trophies.’ And that moment, I was like banging my head silently over and over onto the car window.

There’s a few reason why I am angry, sad, mad, feeling unwanted because of my mum’s reaction that day. And probably I could spend hours listing those reasons.

I am feeling unwanted, I feel like I’ve disappointed my parents, I feel like my parents don’t love me anymore. 

You know when parents do this thing where you’re like, ‘Hey, ma, dad, I receive this trophies or other achievement!’ and they’d be like, ‘Oh, you know that one of your friends receive more trophies than you‘. 

I think parents (OK, especially mums) love to compare their kids with others, and for me it hurts the most. It’s like they regret their decision on having you as their child, and as the result they want you to act, to have personality like other kids that they see better than you.

Can’t she just accept me just the way I am? For being who I really am? I am not smart enough in your eyes, I know. I am me. I am just an ordinary Pris, and no one can change that.

The world expects so much from each of us, and I am tired of that. I am tired of the high expectations that they have set for us. The world be like, ‘You have to be like this, or you’ll fail in life’ or ‘You have to be like this, or else you wouldn’t succeed in this.’

If one day my mum ACCIDENTALLY come across this blog (when I’m 50 please), I just want to say: Ma, please, accept me. Please be proud of me. You never satisfied enough, I’ve done everything I could to make you proud of me and none of them made you feel like that. 

Ma, please.

24 thoughts on “67. Ma, Please.”

  1. It’s tough when your parents expect so much of you. Trust me, you will be fine. Easier said than done, but just make yourself proud. As long as you’re happy with you, that’s all that ever matters in the end.

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      1. Well I think you’re doing extremely well and am proud of the fact that you actually care about your education. Most of my friends didn’t care, it was a waste of time to them. I always thought this was such a travesty since others elsewhere would literally do anything to be in their shoes. I’m sorry your mother made you feel the way she did, but your father is proud. I’m proud. Your other readers are proud. And we all believe in you 🙂

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  2. samanthamurdochblog

    Oh love, don’t be sad…I’m so sorry that she made you feel like this, but ultimately you have to live your life for YOU. Are you happy with what you achieved? Are you proud of what you’ve done and who you are? You should be. It took me a while to accept that my oldest son was never going to be a great academic as I’d hoped, but I realised that he was healthy, happy and has his own life to live. It’s not fair to place unreasonable expectations and comparisons on your children…instead, as a parent, I find I learn from my children and appreciate them for who they are.
    Listen, you know who you are and what you want to do with your life-go ahead and do it. Make yourself proud…I’m proud of you, internet daughter…I still struggle to turn the computer on…!

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    1. I am truly happy of what I have achieved, but I only feel that if people around me also feel happy of me, and in this case, yeah I’m still feeling a biiiitt happy. Thank you, internet mum! Love u always xx.

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  3. Me: V

    It will be fine. Trust me, pleasing others is one of the hardest chores in the world. I keep trying to stop caring about what others think but I know it’s really hard. Just remember- never compare yourself. Make yourself proud and happy and don’t worry about what others think . These two trophies are freaking awesome and even if someone else got a 100, these two accomplishments will STILL be awesome! x

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    1. I remember one thing from a novel that I once read, “Making comparison can spoil your happiness.” Maybe that’s what made me sad and feeling unwanted and stuff. I’ll do your advice, and thank you! (I won’t get 100 trophies haha) xx.

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  5. I feel you pris. Your mum loves you, she’s just been the usual caring mother thing, let this not get to you. You know who you are, you are on a journey of great accomplishments so live, enjoy, let nothing weigh you down not even your mum. She’s lucky you got two trophies in school. I got none😁😁

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  6. Aruna

    I feel you, Pris, been there done that. But, take this as the friendly advice: try to not hating her, instead, try to look better even if you cannot please her completely (at least just do it for your own good) and go find your other happiness for now as long as it’s a positive way to crash. Because somehow, there’ll be a lot of people who appear to be less delicate than this in our future adultery, and though it’s something we don’t want to, we have to face it anyway.

    Stay strong yah Dek! 🙂

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    1. I can’t hate her haha because she’s the one that made me exist in this world, and after all she’s my mum. Plus, I’m a people pleaser, and sometimes it hurts. But as you’ve said, we have to face it anyway. Aku harus setrong 💪. Thanks, Kak! xx.

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  7. Sorry u r suffering.
    U can justly b proud of ur many achievements
    Im sure deep down ur mum loves you n is proud of you
    She just has a funny way of showing it
    Probably she is pushing u hard cos she wants you to achieve even more greatness
    She should love n accept who u are instead of comparing u to others though
    I totally agree with you there
    I think her intentions r pure its just her delivery that needs some work
    Keep being amazing
    Shine bright like a diamond my genius friend
    Ps I was in the sludge bucket of high school achievers so comparatively u r doing awesome
    Difference being u actually make an effort re school
    I couldn’t wait to get out of school prison camp
    U may miss the camaraderie though 😂

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      1. God helps us overcome our problems. Just keep walking in love n stun her with compliments or silence when smiling through gritted teeth is the only option. It may sound ridiculous in the same house but getting out your feelings to her might be an option. Then if you feel peace u could send it or burn it or explain your feelings through a beautiful drawing xx😀

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      3. Wonderful. Yes I saw that home made art was really taking off in Indonesia. Here we are into scrapbooking a lil bit. Your art is always beautiful in God’s eyes. How long did it take you to create. ?

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